Emotional Beings

Well to understand us is to know that above all else, we are firstly emotional creatures. This could be said of both male and female genders but through social conditioning one is more likely to continue to be moreso than the other.

As a result we experience and interpret the world emotionally first before we understand it any other way.

Know this and you begin to comprehend the inner workings of the female mind.

Women: What makes us tick?

So it's time to have a little fun.

Let's delve into the deep abyss that is the female mind.

Contrary to popular belief we are not as complicated as we may seem. We are actually very easy to understand when you know what you need to know.

In this series we will look broadly at the female gender, what makes us tick and how to gain meaningful insight into who we are.

Last words: The Adolescent Brain

Now that we've covered some topical issues I hope in some way they give you something valuable things to think about.

If you're a parent, an older sibling an older cousin, aunt or an older whomever, this last piece of information may be important for you to know.

If you find yourself not being able to get through to your young person, trying to reason but never able to get them to see sense don't beat your head against the wall, there may be a perfectly good explanation for this.

There is a part of the brain that is responsible for much of the conscious thought and reasoning and it does not in fact develop fully until their early 20's. This is called the Frontal Lobe. Their ability to understand the consequences of their actions or to process emotions well for example is severely hampered by this natural developmental delay so in a sense, knowing this may help you to find a better way to deal with each situation as it comes. That's not to say completely let them off the hook, definately set your boundaries and stick with them however help yourself by not losing your head. 

Keep your cool. In time everything will come full circle. Just remember when it seems your young person isn't getting it, maybe it's because physiologically they literally can't.

So good luck. Perservere. Praise their strengths, overlook their weakness. Love them, be there for them but most of all enjoy them simply because they are yours.

Taking risks, testing the limits: What works

It is well known that young people indulge in risk taking behaviour. They constantly test the limits and consequently adolescence can be a nightmare of a time.

You may be able to minimise some of the risk by investing good time in their character development upfront.

Nurture in them a strong social conscience. Raise their level of awareness to the challenges they might face. Teach them to recognise peer pressure but more importantly to make good decisions and when they do to be prepared they may at times stand alone. Teach them the importance of keeping good company and what good friends are. Trust that from your guidance they will exercise good judgement whatever the situation whomever the company. That in reality, is all you can really do.

Sexual Orientation and Identity: What works

Sooner or later our young person will become curious about the opposite sex. Adolescence and raging hormones will do that to you. But what happens if their curiosity leans more towards same sex, transgender, bi-sexual experiences? How do you deal with that?

Simple. Truthfully assess what is most important to you; your relationship with your young person or the beliefs that you hold for them.

Following on from the previous post, we know that forcing an identity on a young person does not work. They will rebel and resent you for it. If we make the same mistake with their sexual orientation and identity, we will loose them for certain.

Young people crave so desperately, the sense of belonging and acceptance. Sometimes the hardest place to get that is in the family so many will willingly mask who they really are, carry the pain and dejection of having to pretend they are someone they are not and sacrifice their own true happiness because the fear of disappointment or being ostracized; and instead they live a double life.

This is what many of them are willing to sacrifice for the love of their family. My question is, what is the family willing to sacrifice for the love of their young person?

I am fully aware that this is a highly sensitive not to mention controversial topic and not all will agree with such a plain explanation and so I leave it to you to decide what is more important?

Identity Crisis: What works

Adolescence is the time that young people really start to develop an idea about who they are. Having said that, it doesn't mean that during this developmental stage they figure this out to any definitive degree.

As we're already aware adolescence is a crazy busy time not to mention a majorly confusing one. There's so much happening all at once that it's important to ensure something still grounds them.

Young people can benefit greatly when they know their roots. Be proud of that heritage. Help them to see the value in their culture.

Keep it real though. Be open to the fact that their reality may no longer be the same as yours. Societies these days are far more diverse and multicultural than they've ever been and with your young person growing up amongst all that, it will ultimately impact on who they become. 

Better to accept them as they see themselves then to force an identity on them that they will resent.

Physical Changes: What works

So now we're up to physical changes. Your young person is starting to look and sound different. There is a massive growth spurt that begins where body parts start to fill out, round out, get taller, voices drop, facial hair comes on more rapidly, the list goes on. We are now we are in full swing.

As your young person goes through these changes, allow them time to adjust and get used to their new look. We eluded to the importance of young people developing a positive body image in an earlier post and that starts with us. If we accept them the way they are, they will grow in confidence. If we don't, we open a door that can lead to some major insecurties about how they look and that door is very difficult to close.

So praise them often. Tell them how wonderful they look especiallv if they have difficulty seeing it themselves, but keep them grounded. Young people are already fiercely critical of the way they look anyway but be careful that does not spill over to their criticism of others. Not a good habit to encourage.
Set the example. You want them to feel comfortable with their own bodies and respectful about others.

Imaginary Audience: What works

When young people start to become conscious of 'what other people think' they may be developing a sense of the imaginary audience. The imaginary audience is social consciousness.

At this stage young people can become overly concerned with appearance, develop anxieties about the way they look, fitting in or having the sense that 'the whole world is looking at me'.

This too is a normal part of adolescent development and in time young people must learn to recognise what is real and what is fabricated in their own minds. Help them to recognise truth from farce but in doing so, be gentle. They are trekking into unknown territory and what may appear ridiculous to you is so real to them.

Unfortunately adolescence is also a time where young people can oversensationalise some aspects of their experience, so it's important you are sending them the right message. Don't play down the importance of what they say or how they feel about themselves. If you do, I guarantee they will interpret this very differently. Be intuitive about what they're not saying too, but always best to check it out first. No good jumping to conclusions without having the conversation.

Just remember the adolescent years marks a time of many 'firsts' for young people, so be kind. It is not always helpful if you only ever see things from an adult perspective.

Peer Dynamics: What Works

The peer group is one of the most powerful units in a young persons' life.
Outside of the family or in the absence of strong relationships within, the peer group either adds to or at worst substitutes their role, therefore it is imperative that we stay close.

The rules of engagement are simple: Do what they do, if you want to belong.

A young persons' need to belong is never more important than it is at this time of their life. Don't underestimate it's significance. It is their right to be accepted by their peers.

We know that the peer group can really add value to your young persons life if they choose wisely and consequently it can do the opposite if they do not. We know the potential of where that road leads so it's important that we are supportive. Don't smother them or try to force them into an unnatural group. That is the fastest road to rebellion.

Invest your energy rather in nuturing your young person to be a strong leader not a follower. Everyone has a role to play here so don't slack off. Encourage them to have a mind of their own, to stand up for what they believe in and to be strong in their convictions. They will be more likely to influence than be influenced by others.

Independence & Autonomy: What works

Don't take it personally when your young person doesn't want to hang out with you anymore. It is perfectly normal for them to want some independence and autonomy from you.

To be sure you don't misunderstand them, what that simply translates to is that they just need some distance to process everything that's going on. Don't dismiss this as insignificant. That space is so important. You want them to fly but it will never happen if you are constantly clipping their wings.

Have faith in your young person. Trust they will make good decisions when they are with their peers but don't abandon ship the moment things go wrong. It is so tempting to get heavy at this point, but understanding is what works best. This doesnt mean that there are no consequences, just that you understand nobody is perfect. Remember their bodies are changing and they are developing at an alarming rate but it doesn't mean however that their minds are necessarily keeping pace.

They will fall of track, and that's ok. Make it easy on yourselves and anticipate this. No surprises.

If you're worried about the company they keep, get them involved in something constructive early i.e. sports, arts, spirituality. As they move through adolescence you will get to know their peers. They will most likely be those who share the same interests and who have similar goals. Then you can rest confident when they are away from you and spreading their wings, that are going to be ok.

Puberty/Hormones: What works

This is the awkward stage where things start to look and feel out of place.

Things start to grow upwards, then sideways and generally carries on that way for a few years yet.

As they shed their baby shapes and lose a lot of coordination growing into their new bodies, their confidence takes a hard knock in the process. It takes a while to get that balance back.

This is a time to be especially sensitive because it's also the time that body image starts to rear its ugly head. Puberty and hormonal changes are hard enough without any added pressure. We want young people going into adolescence feeling good about the way they look not self conscious and critical.

Prepare them early for the different changes that will occur and that most are temporary. Normalise the experience. This is not the time to recognise their 'individuality'. They don't want to stand out yet, they want to blend in.

Help them to accept themselves.

Developmental Stuff: What works

So at a time when there is so much change going on, how do you still remain a positive influence in a young persons life?

What happens when that young innocent child disappears? Do they ever return?
Adolescence can be likened to the full maturation of a caterpillar to a butterfly. When that caterpillar sheds it's cocoon, this whole new being emerges but although no longer a child, still with an underdeveloped understanding of the world. There is a whole new level of uncertainty present now and a cagey sense of direction.Throw into the mix that their entire peer group is going through this same developmental stage, that's a whole lot of change on a mass scale.

It's important to allow your young person enough space to grow into themselves. It's so easy to forget how tentative we once were as youngsters. No one likes being rushed so be careful you're not asking you child to grow up too fast because you are losing your cool waiting for them arrive. They don't know who they are yet. Many adults are still struggling to find the answer to that question.

Be patient. Keep your cool and be supportive.
Create a trusting environment where they feel safe to venture out developmentally and return.

Keep  the lines of communication open so they know they can always come to you.
If you are too critical and at worst continuously punitive they will never develop confidence in themselves but develop a side that is hidden from you. You want them to experience life in the open, not in the shadows.

Young People: What works

Now where do we start?

So we're all clear, lets paint the picture. Firstly, what do we need to know?

Below is a small list of things to consider when we think about young people.
We will work through them one by one over the next few days.

1) Major developmental stage.
2) Puberty/Hormones
3) Independence & Autonomy
4) Peer dynamics
5) Imaginary Audience
6) Physical changes
7) Identity Crisis
8) Sexual orientation and identity
9) Taking risks, testing the limits

One last thing to think about before we head in, many of these thing happen at once.

Now we're ready to get going.

Commentary: The wonderful world of young people

With the first series: 'The secrets to happiness' complete, I hope you all found it useful. Now it's time to set off on another journey.

Our next destination: Teenagers.

Coming up we delve into the wonderful world of young people.
We take a look at what works and what doesn't and things you can do to strengthen your relationship with your teenager.

The secrets to happiness: #20

#20: Celebrate along the way

Congratulations, you've made it. Number 20; the final installment.

We've journeyed together for a little over 3 weeks now and I hope this has been as insightful for you as it was for me.

These were my top 20 secrets to happiness. They've enriched my life and I can only wish the same for you.

Now for my final words.

In the pursuit of happiness take care not to get lost in the chase.

Remember to celebrate along the way. A small success is still success.

Enjoy the little moments now. Once they're gone, you can't get them back.

Open your eyes. Appreciate what you have.

Many are found guilty of looking back on their lives only to realise when they've lost everything, what happiness really was. 

Don't do that to yourself. Be ever present in all that you do and conscious in the moment.

So from me to you, best of luck. I've enjoyed having you with me.

Travel well my friend. Find your path.

Happiness and success for you always.

Tip: Don't miss the golden opportunities


PS: Stay tuned for my next series when we take a look into the wonderful world of young people.

The secrets to happiness: #19

#19: The love connection

Making the love connection is one of the most basic human drives but making the right love connection is no easy feat.

My suggestion, work through numbers 1-18 as a start.

To find what you're looking for, you must first become it yourself; so don't be lazy, do your own homework!

Now you can go in with your eyes open.

Remember, relationships are about equality not equity.

If you expect it for yourself, expect to give it in return.

Don't order the pizza then refuse to pay for it!

Tip: Look-in or Lookout!

The secrets to happiness: #18

#18: Spirituality

Spirituality is the journey, not the destination and every path is unique.

Follow the path that will lead you to your own spiritual high(s); be it the arts, meditation, religion or elite level training. 

Live laterally.

Process eclectically.

With more than one path to spirituality, draw from as many sources that ultimately bring you happiness.

Tip: Many avenues lead to the same destination